i am a canoe. i float, somewhat bravely, atop of all of the dark, sad, awful things that exist within my life.
there is the potential for so much sadness….
my grandfather, losing my grandmother (with Alzheimer’s) day by day. conversing with a shell of the woman the he fell in love with , who raised me, tha
t we all knew….
my grandfather aging, growing more fragile every day….despite my childhood memories of him as a superhuman figure – both in body and mind.
my father. gone. the “authorities” having deemed it suicide. yes. suicide.
i will never fully know. it will. always be a guessing game for me…of i…had i…could i…
i was confronted this evening by a well-meaning person who knew nothing of my life, and i laid tis out to him in rough and un-emotional terms. the look that i saw on his (my best friend’s boyfriend’s) face confirmed my strategy from the start: “i’m fine. nothing is wrong. everything is fine, nothing is ruined.’
innocently enough, though, as a woman, this question is never innocent, it all began with “so, what’s the deal, why are you single”.
where, i beg, does that ever begin?
for anyone, but, much less for me.
a year ago, i would have said the following:
– i’m fiercely independent
– i don’t need anyone….for anything
– i’m the happiest, most even-keeled woman you will ever meet
Sadly, strangely, or naturally. My outlook….has changed.
– i don’t lead with my problems. they are too vast, troubling, personal and dark to share. i prefer the “fall for me then i’ll drop the ball method” here
– i fight with everything i have, for none of it to show. i’m in constant peril of the dark waters overtaking the boat, but you would never know looking in from the outside.
i have worked so hard, initially professionally, to ensure that no traces of my inner turmoil ever leaked out. but i’m afraid that the steely exterior has permeated my personal life. and that it has been a failure all around.
true. worse things could have happened. but the end result would be the same. i’m here. alone, save my adorable dog and some shred of dignity, wondering how i will pull myself, and everyone else, through it all. comma splice and all.